John Smith has terminated friendship. I had just logged on a few days ago when that window popped up in the lower right corner of my screen. It was a poignant moment: this was my first relationship in SL. It was a casual relationship--he was a younger guy, though definitely age-verified, who wanted to learn from an 'experienced' older woman. Things had started to take a different turn when he suggested maybe he wanted to explore something more with me than just the cilched younger man-older woman thing. It was a prospect worth considering. Then something happened and I was away from SL for five months. When I came back things weren't really the same, and then we just lost touch and I found someone else who I am very happy with now. I am sure either he was doing some simple pruning of his friends list, eliminating those he hasn't had contact with in awhile, or he has found someone who is making him happy and no longer needs to have me on his list and therefore not a potential problem later. Regardless of the reasons I do hope he is happy and if he is somehow reading this blog, I will tell him no hard feelings and if I somehow run into him somewhere else in SL I'll just say hi.
I do an occasional pruning of my friends list. There are people on my list that I have spoken to maybe once, or simply have lost touch with them and haven't heard from in a long time. There are some I feel reluctant to remove in the hopes that circumstances will change and somehow we end up connecting again. These are people either I could have a professional relationship with in SL, or just fascinating people altogether. The ones I end up removing are simply done as a convenience gesture, a way to keep it from taking 5 minutes to load my list in Second Life. I think most people in SL practice this gesture and it's done without animosity or drama or any personal reason whatsoever.
The act of 'unfriending' someone is a whole other kettle of fish.
As I write this I have had exactly 2 hours of sleep. I was up until 4:30 this morning dealing with what I can best describe as 'high school drama'. It stems from what's looking like a very nasty breakup with two people, where last night I was bombarded from all sides with people trying to make me take one side or the other. I was receiving bits of chat logs where I was supposed to sympathize, and other peripheral 'friends' who were supposedly invited to a concert the couple was attending and replied, 'Well if so-and-so is going to be there, I won't be there.' and all that. After hours of this bombardment and an entire circle of people doing nothing but ruining my time, I forced a meeting with all of them together where I was going to say to everyone involved that I wasn't going to play the high school game of attending a concert or a party and wanting to TP my friends in and be told 'well if so-and-so is going to be there I won't be', or acting silly because both members of the couple in question are present. I wasn't going to take sides in the breakup, and quite frankly I felt like I was playing camp counselor at a lunatic asylum. What it devolved into was the couple at the heart of the matter pushing each others buttons and yelling and screaming. I was told I was inconveniencing people and creating drama.
I'm creating drama? I'm not the one acting like a bitchy 14-year-old. And I graduated from high school already.
Up until recently I have never threatened to 'unfriend' someone for their behavior. I don't like it when someone gets into a snit on a discussion board or a fansite or Twitter and makes a bold announcement of 'That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back!' just to get the attention. If you're going to say something like that, you better damn well mean it. You don't get to say it around me more than once, because if you're still there after you make that pronouncement and then you end up saying it again, I'm the first to tell that person to not let the door hit them on the way out. Same thing for people who threaten to leave SL entirely because they get into some disagreement with someone else. The Grid is big enough and has enough activities in it so you don't have to be around people you're on the outs with if you really don't want to be around them.
Same thing for the 'unfriend' button. The Grid is too big with too many activities in it. But if someone's behavior becomes truly dangerous, or they insist on making things so unpleasant for you that your enjoyment of SL is going to be ruined simply by logging on, I think it crosses the line. I have yet to decide if I'm going to 'unfriend' any of these people. But I also have yet to decide that I'm not, either.
Just a bit of fair warning to a bunch of bitchy 14-year-olds.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
SL Love and Personal Baggage
My friends Nic and Molly just got married. For those non-SL people who might have found this blog by accident and only have heard the stories on sleazy TV shows about people who abandon RL families for those they meet in SL, I can tell you in this case it's not true; in RL both are content to be with each other only in the virtual world.
Second Life marriages are very different than in Real Life. You don't have to have licenses or blood tests, you don't have to have premarital counseling (though you can if you want), and if it doesn't work out--or you both sober up the next morning and realize you did something really stupid last night--you don't have to deal with all the RL paperwork and legalese that comes with divorce. Make no mistake, though--SL relationships can be every bit as complicatred as RL ones, because we carry our RL baggage about relationships into the virutal world.
I have a guy in SL, someone I met via Molly (she denies playing matchmaker, but I note that he was her friend, she kept telling me how much of a great guy he was, and she knew we were both single. Do the math.). He is indeed a great guy and we get along quite well in the ways you'd expect in any relationship--we have spoken to each other in Yahoo and Skype and have found we think alike on many subjects and even have the same sense of humor. But I struggle with myself every single day, because of my RL history in the romance department. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, because in RL that shoe has dropped whenever I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to be happy. There's a 3-letter word that keeps popping up with me:
BUT
As in, "I like you very much, BUT..." or "I know I said I love you, BUT..." or "You'd be perfect for anyone, BUT..." once the word 'but' is uttered in a phrase that starts off with a compliment, I start looking for the exit. I know what comes next.
I've also learned in RL how to interpret sentences. "It's not you, it's me" is always about you, as in me, as in it's my defect or my fault or I'm simply not good enough. "I want a woman who's intelligent and isn't afraid to be herself" is really "I want you to be my buddy and be the shoulder I can cry on while I pursue a 20-year-old bimbette with 40 DD breasts and an IQ of 4 who can't even spell the word 'no' to refuse sex if you spotted her the 'n'." "I'd like to still be friends" is "You're not good enough to be in a relationship with, God forbid marry, but you'll do for a Booty Call in a pinch." And either "My ex is still friends with my parents" or "I'm still friends with my ex" or variations of those two statements is always translated to, "Let me have my way at all times and be only who I want you to be at all times, or understand you can be easily replaced."
Then there's a phase that I think might be genetically encoded, because I've had it given to me by people who never knew their mother, never knew their father, was raised entierly by grandparents or even adopted: "I'm afraid you want more than I'm prepared to give." This phrase is insurmountable, and I know it is because I've tried. The best illustration of it comes from the movie "Tootsie", where Dustin Hoffman's character is auditioning for a play, the director keeps saying "I'm looking for this..." and lists something Hoffman's character isn't, and after Hoffman counters him and says he can be whoever the director wants him to be, the exasperated director finally blurts out, "I"m looking for someone else." "You want more than I'm prepared to give" is the long-form version of "I don't want you." It's also my personal Cosmic Cruelty Joke. I never seem to hear this phrase until I allow myself to be happy and I tell someone how happy I am in a relationship. and the bomb gets dropped with all the timing of Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown as he's about to kick it.
So I sit in SL with someone I truly like and want to be with, and now I've admitted this I know I'm doomed. So why don't I just go ahead and tell him I'm going to end this because I know it's going to end anyway and I'm saving myself some pain?" Because down deep inside I still want to believe I'm not destined to always be a wallflower and a third wheel druing outings. And this is Second Life, where you get a chance to be something you're not in Real Life. And there's part of me thinking if I manage to keep that special person in SL, there's hope for me in RL. For every Molly there's a Nic, right?
I don't want to think of the consequences if that's not true.
Second Life marriages are very different than in Real Life. You don't have to have licenses or blood tests, you don't have to have premarital counseling (though you can if you want), and if it doesn't work out--or you both sober up the next morning and realize you did something really stupid last night--you don't have to deal with all the RL paperwork and legalese that comes with divorce. Make no mistake, though--SL relationships can be every bit as complicatred as RL ones, because we carry our RL baggage about relationships into the virutal world.
I have a guy in SL, someone I met via Molly (she denies playing matchmaker, but I note that he was her friend, she kept telling me how much of a great guy he was, and she knew we were both single. Do the math.). He is indeed a great guy and we get along quite well in the ways you'd expect in any relationship--we have spoken to each other in Yahoo and Skype and have found we think alike on many subjects and even have the same sense of humor. But I struggle with myself every single day, because of my RL history in the romance department. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, because in RL that shoe has dropped whenever I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to be happy. There's a 3-letter word that keeps popping up with me:
BUT
As in, "I like you very much, BUT..." or "I know I said I love you, BUT..." or "You'd be perfect for anyone, BUT..." once the word 'but' is uttered in a phrase that starts off with a compliment, I start looking for the exit. I know what comes next.
I've also learned in RL how to interpret sentences. "It's not you, it's me" is always about you, as in me, as in it's my defect or my fault or I'm simply not good enough. "I want a woman who's intelligent and isn't afraid to be herself" is really "I want you to be my buddy and be the shoulder I can cry on while I pursue a 20-year-old bimbette with 40 DD breasts and an IQ of 4 who can't even spell the word 'no' to refuse sex if you spotted her the 'n'." "I'd like to still be friends" is "You're not good enough to be in a relationship with, God forbid marry, but you'll do for a Booty Call in a pinch." And either "My ex is still friends with my parents" or "I'm still friends with my ex" or variations of those two statements is always translated to, "Let me have my way at all times and be only who I want you to be at all times, or understand you can be easily replaced."
Then there's a phase that I think might be genetically encoded, because I've had it given to me by people who never knew their mother, never knew their father, was raised entierly by grandparents or even adopted: "I'm afraid you want more than I'm prepared to give." This phrase is insurmountable, and I know it is because I've tried. The best illustration of it comes from the movie "Tootsie", where Dustin Hoffman's character is auditioning for a play, the director keeps saying "I'm looking for this..." and lists something Hoffman's character isn't, and after Hoffman counters him and says he can be whoever the director wants him to be, the exasperated director finally blurts out, "I"m looking for someone else." "You want more than I'm prepared to give" is the long-form version of "I don't want you." It's also my personal Cosmic Cruelty Joke. I never seem to hear this phrase until I allow myself to be happy and I tell someone how happy I am in a relationship. and the bomb gets dropped with all the timing of Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown as he's about to kick it.
So I sit in SL with someone I truly like and want to be with, and now I've admitted this I know I'm doomed. So why don't I just go ahead and tell him I'm going to end this because I know it's going to end anyway and I'm saving myself some pain?" Because down deep inside I still want to believe I'm not destined to always be a wallflower and a third wheel druing outings. And this is Second Life, where you get a chance to be something you're not in Real Life. And there's part of me thinking if I manage to keep that special person in SL, there's hope for me in RL. For every Molly there's a Nic, right?
I don't want to think of the consequences if that's not true.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The film 'Inception' and SL: We Are All Artists
For anyone reading this blog, if you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend the movie Inception, starring Leonardo Decaprio. It's a film where the creators assume the audience is intelligent and requires the audience take a few points as givens--that high-powered business leaders have secrets that others are willing to do anything to get, that these corporations are willing to hire individuals, called 'extractors', who can invade your dreams and steal your secrets, and that these same high-powered business leaders will spend serious amounts of money to be trained in how to spot extractors and defend themselves in the dream world. For those of us who are Residents of Second Life, it also has some deeper meanings than I think it would for those who've never heard of our little garden spot in the Metaverse.
In the story, Decaprio is an extractor, but instead of being hired to steal an idea, he has actually been hired to plant one, and to do it so deeply in the mind of the person he must think of it as his own idea. To achieve this goal, extractors have to have a world created that is mutually shared in the dream world between the extractor, the extraction team, and their target. This creator is called an 'architect', and Leo's architect is a young college student named Ariadne. While she exceeds expectations in her initial tryout, she refuses to take part at first. But then she reconsiders and decides to join the team, because, as she says, "It's pure creation."
(as a quick note, I don't feel it's necessary to place a SPOILER ALERT!! warning, because this decision happens so early in the movie that if Ariadne had actually refused, Christopher Nolan would be looking at a sure-fire Oscar nominee for Best Live Action Short Film instead of a sure-fire Oscar nominee for Best Picture, not to mention Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, Best Actor, etc., etc. etc. But I digress.)
Ariadne's statement to me is the very core of the reason I know I love Second Life. It is the very idea that anything is possible in our own minds, and we are limited only by our imagination. Never mind the very pesky and bothersome limits such as lag, prims, and tier fees, not to mention possessing the actual talent and ability to terraform and script and build. If you can dream it, you can make it.
Frankly, I'm in complete awe of any Resident in Second Life who can build and create places. I am not one of them. I may be the only SL Resident to flunk the basic building class. I couldn't even grasp the basic concept of building a snowman. So I am left to simply admire the creativity of others in that area. However, SL is full of other forms of creators--from musicians to sculptors to clothing designers, and it takes every bit the creativity to make a skirt using a water texture print as it is to create a waterfall using the same water texture. Some of us see a tree and make it, while some of us see the same tree and write a song about it. Some see the leaves on the tree and think the pattern would look good on a pair of shoes. Some of us buy the tree, and/or the shoes, and place it in our skybox, or tell our friends where they can buy such a cool pair of shoes to wear themselves.
Maybe that is what is the most mind-blowing concept to Second Life--that creation of a Metaverse comes through the very act of existence within it. Pure Creation, as Ariadne would say.
In the story, Decaprio is an extractor, but instead of being hired to steal an idea, he has actually been hired to plant one, and to do it so deeply in the mind of the person he must think of it as his own idea. To achieve this goal, extractors have to have a world created that is mutually shared in the dream world between the extractor, the extraction team, and their target. This creator is called an 'architect', and Leo's architect is a young college student named Ariadne. While she exceeds expectations in her initial tryout, she refuses to take part at first. But then she reconsiders and decides to join the team, because, as she says, "It's pure creation."
(as a quick note, I don't feel it's necessary to place a SPOILER ALERT!! warning, because this decision happens so early in the movie that if Ariadne had actually refused, Christopher Nolan would be looking at a sure-fire Oscar nominee for Best Live Action Short Film instead of a sure-fire Oscar nominee for Best Picture, not to mention Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, Best Actor, etc., etc. etc. But I digress.)
Ariadne's statement to me is the very core of the reason I know I love Second Life. It is the very idea that anything is possible in our own minds, and we are limited only by our imagination. Never mind the very pesky and bothersome limits such as lag, prims, and tier fees, not to mention possessing the actual talent and ability to terraform and script and build. If you can dream it, you can make it.
Frankly, I'm in complete awe of any Resident in Second Life who can build and create places. I am not one of them. I may be the only SL Resident to flunk the basic building class. I couldn't even grasp the basic concept of building a snowman. So I am left to simply admire the creativity of others in that area. However, SL is full of other forms of creators--from musicians to sculptors to clothing designers, and it takes every bit the creativity to make a skirt using a water texture print as it is to create a waterfall using the same water texture. Some of us see a tree and make it, while some of us see the same tree and write a song about it. Some see the leaves on the tree and think the pattern would look good on a pair of shoes. Some of us buy the tree, and/or the shoes, and place it in our skybox, or tell our friends where they can buy such a cool pair of shoes to wear themselves.
Maybe that is what is the most mind-blowing concept to Second Life--that creation of a Metaverse comes through the very act of existence within it. Pure Creation, as Ariadne would say.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Of Griefing & Abuse Reports
Normally when someone writes their first blog entry it's an introduction--who they are, why they want to start a blog in the first place. In the case of Second Life, it's the question of 'how I found myself in a virtual world' that is the usual first entry. Or even why I wanted to call the blog Nightingale.
I will get around to all that eventually. I know for some this first entry will be a buzzkill, but I think it's big enough in my Second Life, um, life to share the following as my first entry. And if this becomes a regular thing it may be a signpost for some of what to expect in the future.
I was a witness to a griefing incident last night against a performer, their manager, and a close friend of that performer. I'm well aware as this performer becomes more popular in Second Life there will be those attracted to them that in the Real World would be called hecklers or even raving psychotic fans, but this is a personal attack. The griefer(s) in question have been stalking this performer and those close to them for for weeks, attempting to disrupt performances, ruin this performer's reputation, alienate the fans, and making things a living hell for everyone.
According to the protocol established by Linden Labs, griefing incidents should be filed as an Abuse Report. But the rules on how to file an AR and which ARs are given priority (and which ones are simply put into the Circular File) are letting the griefers get away with it. For instance, in order for the Lindens to investigate or take action against a griefer, you have to provide information the griefers know will doom your AR if they successfully hide it from you, such as the name of the griefer. Most of them are smart enough to either use alts to perform the deed--and if that alt gets caught and banned, they simply make another alt to continue their reign of terror. This is assuming the griefer doesn't simply let bots or scripts do the work for them, hiding their ownership details, and if somehow you manage to count how many beans make five and figure out who planted the bot or the script, they can simply say to the Lindens, 'Not me, I was nowhere near at the time'. Another piece of info the Lindens demand in an AR is a picture of the incident. Exactly how is someone supposed to take a picture of a script ejecting you from your own land or from a club, much less crashing you out of Second Life? And of course if you don't provide this, the chances of the Lindens even bothering to look at your complaint go to zero.
Another problem comes when a griefer attacks a public area or an entire sim. To me, the Residents inside the sim or in the nightclub or whatever are just as much the victims of the griefer as the owner of the land or the owner of the nightclub--after all, we're affected when a sim crashes or spam invades the local chat, or our overall enjoyment of Second Life is affected. Yet...Lindens don't give an AR from someone inside a public area that is attacked the same weight as if the land or business owner files an AR. So what happens if the sim owner isn't on at the time of the attack? There can be several hours between the time of the attack and the time an AR is filed, then the owner has to gather details of the incident, now several hours old and not as fresh in details. And this also has the perverse outcome of the next complaint--the fact a single AR is not given the same weight as if several ARs are posted, even if the AR comes from the land owner or business owner. So it could mean weeks or even months of repeated attacks before a Linden decides something needs to be done.
Something I find even more disturbing is the impression among Residents that Linden Labs has them on permanent ignore of late. When official forums and local chats and IMs and club chats are full of comments like 'I filed a ticket on this and nothing's been done' or 'I filed this AR and I haven't even received a reply and the problem is still continuing', it simply looks bad. Even if it's not true, the stories are everywhere. And when you see someone who is facing a daily barrage of harassment in IM by one Resident with an ax to grind against them, the stalker creates new alts daily to counter banning by the Lindens, knowing the Lindens should take the step of blocking this person's IP address for repeated violations, and yet nothing has been done? You have to wonder if the Lindens are sitting around all day with their thumbs up their kazoos and blowing bubbles instead of actually working on the various problems of late in Second Life--not just problems such as griefing, but serious issues like crashes, inventory that won't load, servers that don't respond, etc. And it is this lack of action that leads to Residents giving up on Second Life and going elsewhere, because their quality of enjoyment or even their income has been removed. Which means the griefers win, and it simply encourages these losers to go do it to someone else.
So, I am now going to do something that Linden Labs actually does not encourage Residents do--I am going to take some matters into my own hands. The people who were directly griefed last night are friends of mine, the crowd at this particular club last night were fans and people simply looking for a good time, the management of the club were simply trying to do their jobs and had to face an uproar when the incident happened, and at least in the beginning were blamed for the incident even though those of us in the know are aware they had nothing to do with it. And from all of that I am going to do something about it because the Lindens will not.
To the griefer, I give this message, in the hopes someone who knows them will direct them to it, assuming they're not reading themselves: I know who you are (and that's not bluffing--I do know who is responsible), and I'm aware you have joined up with some others to continue your game. It stops now. I am giving you the courtesy of not naming you--yet. But if there is one more incident that occurs, I will name you in this blog. You may think you're safe, but this blog isn't an official Second Life blog and I have no problem in saying who you are in Second Life. And if there's a picture available I'll post it too. I will name you as a griefer and a stalker and then you can see just how much more enjoyment you'll get in the Grid. You're dismissed.
Let's see if my friends are going to be left alone now.
I will get around to all that eventually. I know for some this first entry will be a buzzkill, but I think it's big enough in my Second Life, um, life to share the following as my first entry. And if this becomes a regular thing it may be a signpost for some of what to expect in the future.
I was a witness to a griefing incident last night against a performer, their manager, and a close friend of that performer. I'm well aware as this performer becomes more popular in Second Life there will be those attracted to them that in the Real World would be called hecklers or even raving psychotic fans, but this is a personal attack. The griefer(s) in question have been stalking this performer and those close to them for for weeks, attempting to disrupt performances, ruin this performer's reputation, alienate the fans, and making things a living hell for everyone.
According to the protocol established by Linden Labs, griefing incidents should be filed as an Abuse Report. But the rules on how to file an AR and which ARs are given priority (and which ones are simply put into the Circular File) are letting the griefers get away with it. For instance, in order for the Lindens to investigate or take action against a griefer, you have to provide information the griefers know will doom your AR if they successfully hide it from you, such as the name of the griefer. Most of them are smart enough to either use alts to perform the deed--and if that alt gets caught and banned, they simply make another alt to continue their reign of terror. This is assuming the griefer doesn't simply let bots or scripts do the work for them, hiding their ownership details, and if somehow you manage to count how many beans make five and figure out who planted the bot or the script, they can simply say to the Lindens, 'Not me, I was nowhere near at the time'. Another piece of info the Lindens demand in an AR is a picture of the incident. Exactly how is someone supposed to take a picture of a script ejecting you from your own land or from a club, much less crashing you out of Second Life? And of course if you don't provide this, the chances of the Lindens even bothering to look at your complaint go to zero.
Another problem comes when a griefer attacks a public area or an entire sim. To me, the Residents inside the sim or in the nightclub or whatever are just as much the victims of the griefer as the owner of the land or the owner of the nightclub--after all, we're affected when a sim crashes or spam invades the local chat, or our overall enjoyment of Second Life is affected. Yet...Lindens don't give an AR from someone inside a public area that is attacked the same weight as if the land or business owner files an AR. So what happens if the sim owner isn't on at the time of the attack? There can be several hours between the time of the attack and the time an AR is filed, then the owner has to gather details of the incident, now several hours old and not as fresh in details. And this also has the perverse outcome of the next complaint--the fact a single AR is not given the same weight as if several ARs are posted, even if the AR comes from the land owner or business owner. So it could mean weeks or even months of repeated attacks before a Linden decides something needs to be done.
Something I find even more disturbing is the impression among Residents that Linden Labs has them on permanent ignore of late. When official forums and local chats and IMs and club chats are full of comments like 'I filed a ticket on this and nothing's been done' or 'I filed this AR and I haven't even received a reply and the problem is still continuing', it simply looks bad. Even if it's not true, the stories are everywhere. And when you see someone who is facing a daily barrage of harassment in IM by one Resident with an ax to grind against them, the stalker creates new alts daily to counter banning by the Lindens, knowing the Lindens should take the step of blocking this person's IP address for repeated violations, and yet nothing has been done? You have to wonder if the Lindens are sitting around all day with their thumbs up their kazoos and blowing bubbles instead of actually working on the various problems of late in Second Life--not just problems such as griefing, but serious issues like crashes, inventory that won't load, servers that don't respond, etc. And it is this lack of action that leads to Residents giving up on Second Life and going elsewhere, because their quality of enjoyment or even their income has been removed. Which means the griefers win, and it simply encourages these losers to go do it to someone else.
So, I am now going to do something that Linden Labs actually does not encourage Residents do--I am going to take some matters into my own hands. The people who were directly griefed last night are friends of mine, the crowd at this particular club last night were fans and people simply looking for a good time, the management of the club were simply trying to do their jobs and had to face an uproar when the incident happened, and at least in the beginning were blamed for the incident even though those of us in the know are aware they had nothing to do with it. And from all of that I am going to do something about it because the Lindens will not.
To the griefer, I give this message, in the hopes someone who knows them will direct them to it, assuming they're not reading themselves: I know who you are (and that's not bluffing--I do know who is responsible), and I'm aware you have joined up with some others to continue your game. It stops now. I am giving you the courtesy of not naming you--yet. But if there is one more incident that occurs, I will name you in this blog. You may think you're safe, but this blog isn't an official Second Life blog and I have no problem in saying who you are in Second Life. And if there's a picture available I'll post it too. I will name you as a griefer and a stalker and then you can see just how much more enjoyment you'll get in the Grid. You're dismissed.
Let's see if my friends are going to be left alone now.
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