SL Love and Personal Baggage

My friends Nic and Molly just got married. For those non-SL people who might have found this blog by accident and only have heard the stories on sleazy TV shows about people who abandon RL families for those they meet in SL, I can tell you in this case it's not true; in RL both are content to be with each other only in the virtual world.

Second Life marriages are very different than in Real Life. You don't have to have licenses or blood tests, you don't have to have premarital counseling (though you can if you want), and if it doesn't work out--or you both sober up the next morning and realize you did something really stupid last night--you don't have to deal with all the RL paperwork and legalese that comes with divorce. Make no mistake, though--SL relationships can be every bit as complicatred as RL ones, because we carry our RL baggage about relationships into the virutal world.

I have a guy in SL, someone I met via Molly (she denies playing matchmaker, but I note that he was her friend, she kept telling me how much of a great guy he was, and she knew we were both single. Do the math.). He is indeed a great guy and we get along quite well in the ways you'd expect in any relationship--we have spoken to each other in Yahoo and Skype and have found we think alike on many subjects and even have the same sense of humor. But I struggle with myself every single day, because of my RL history in the romance department. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, because in RL that shoe has dropped whenever I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to be happy. There's a 3-letter word that keeps popping up with me:

BUT

As in, "I like you very much, BUT..." or "I know I said I love you, BUT..." or "You'd be perfect for anyone, BUT..." once the word 'but' is uttered in a phrase that starts off with a compliment, I start looking for the exit. I know what comes next.

I've also learned in RL how to interpret sentences. "It's not you, it's me" is always about you, as in me, as in it's my defect or my fault or I'm simply not good enough. "I want a woman who's intelligent and isn't afraid to be herself" is really "I want you to be my buddy and be the shoulder I can cry on while I pursue a 20-year-old bimbette with 40 DD breasts and an IQ of 4 who can't even spell the word 'no' to refuse sex if you spotted her the 'n'." "I'd like to still be friends" is "You're not good enough to be in a relationship with, God forbid marry, but you'll do for a Booty Call in a pinch." And either "My ex is still friends with my parents" or "I'm still friends with my ex" or variations of those two statements is always translated to, "Let me have my way at all times and be only who I want you to be at all times, or understand you can be easily replaced."

Then there's a phase that I think might be genetically encoded, because I've had it given to me by people who never knew their mother, never knew their father, was raised entierly by grandparents or even adopted: "I'm afraid you want more than I'm prepared to give." This phrase is insurmountable, and I know it is because I've tried. The best illustration of it comes from the movie "Tootsie", where Dustin Hoffman's character is auditioning for a play, the director keeps saying "I'm looking for this..." and lists something Hoffman's character isn't, and after Hoffman counters him and says he can be whoever the director wants him to be, the exasperated director finally blurts out, "I"m looking for someone else." "You want more than I'm prepared to give" is the long-form version of "I don't want you." It's also my personal Cosmic Cruelty Joke. I never seem to hear this phrase until I allow myself to be happy and I tell someone how happy I am in a relationship. and the bomb gets dropped with all the timing of Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown as he's about to kick it.

So I sit in SL with someone I truly like and want to be with, and now I've admitted this I know I'm doomed. So why don't I just go ahead and tell him I'm going to end this because I know it's going to end anyway and I'm saving myself some pain?" Because down deep inside I still want to believe I'm not destined to always be a wallflower and a third wheel druing outings. And this is Second Life, where you get a chance to be something you're not in Real Life. And there's part of me thinking if I manage to keep that special person in SL, there's hope for me in RL. For every Molly there's a Nic, right?

I don't want to think of the consequences if that's not true.