This first statement usually causes a very dramatic reaction from the people whom I have mentioned it to, and I'm sure if you're reading you're going to have a similar reaction, but here goes:
I hate Valentines Day.
I didn't always hate it, as a child I liked getting the cards and candy and cute little presents. But that changed and now I hate it. And believe it or not, it has to do with the people who celebrate it. Over the years I have had friends who were couples who, during any other time of the year, seem perfectly normal and friendly and sane. And yet Valentines Day seemingly gives these normal, friendly, sane people the excuse to act like insufferable jerks toward anyone else who isn't involved in a relationship or who suddenly finds themselves alone in mid-February.Worse, all of our social institutions seemingly play into this 'open season on singles' attitude, and Second Life is no different. In fact, the environment of the Virtual World like SL, which tends to intensify behaviors not normally allowed in our Real Life, would be the perfect breeding ground for this.
As futile as an attempt as this will be, as a single person in SL I would like to offer some pieces of advice to make this time smoother and more welcoming:
1. Valentines Day is February 14th, not February 7th-14th. It's one thing if you own a store in SL where you are selling dresses and lingerie; a week before the holiday in question--if not more--is the way you make money. I'm directing this point toward the SL nightclubs and event planners in particular who may see every opporutnity to have 'pre-Valentine' dances and 'Romance Balls' almost to the exclusion of everything else. And not nightclubs who may have one event a week, I'm talking in particular about the larger clubs who seemingly have events every night. I know the clubs need to make money too, but why do you have to have a Valentines party the Tuesday before Valentines Day, instead of the weekend before or on the 14th itself?
2. Please be inclusive. One of the most offensive statements ever given to me by 'couple friends' was made when I lamented a particular Valentines Day event in RL where I felt out of place because I was the only single person there, and that the guests or even the host of the event didn't appear to go out of their way to help me feel welcome. Their reply--actually stated without any particular degree of malice--was, 'Well, that's because Valentines Day is for couples, not singles.' Unfortunately that statement has also been mentioned toward me by people who said it with every bit of malice they can muster, as my single-ness in their presence on Valentines Day at a party or event or whatever was like a turd in the punchbowl to them. I'm not asking the nightclubs or event planners to ban Romance Balls or anything of that sort. But I would ask the clubs and the hosts in particular to make sure any single attendees are treated with respect and are just as welcome as the couples to your event. Hosts, please circulate through your clubs during your event and make sure your single attendees are allowed to mingle, not being made to stand off to the side like a bunch of wallflowers (I attended a Romance Ball in SL a few months ago where I ended up against the wall with the other singles--all female, and we all sat there feeling bored and dejected and wondering what was wrong with us). And--dare I say it?--while again I know people have to earn a living, if singles are going to be forced to pay for dances with club staff so they don't have to be wallflowers, it's potentially offensive if they're the only ones who have to pay. Why not recreate the scene in 'Gone with the Wind' where for certain dances in your event, the couples have to bid to dance with the 'one who brung 'em'? It would equalize the playing field and make more money for the club.
3. SL musicians and DJ's, please see #2. Okay, okay, most songs are love songs. Musicians and DJ's get requests and are asked to make dedications at any time. I get that, normally I don't have a problem with it. But just as I asked the hosts in #2 of the events and dances to please show some respect to singles, I'm asking the musicians and DJ's to do the same. For various reasons, people who are single and/or alone on Valentines Day often feel self-conscious of being an overwhelming minority in a sim of 30-40 couples. Take their requests as you normally would on any other day--please don't say to them, 'Couples requests are a priority today, we'll get around to your request after the couples' requests are done', and if a single requests a non-love song, a song you would normally play on any other day, please don't tell them, 'I'm only playing love songs today because it's Valentines Day' unless you've already announced your show is a theme show. As for dedications, just keep in mind that on Valentines Day everyone wants to dedicate a song, 'to the one I love', and if you're not careful, you'll spend over 30 minutes of your hour-long show making dedications instead of playing music.
4. Don't judge. You don't know why the person who walks into any place in SL on Valentines Day is there. You don't know why they're alone. You don't know why they're with a group. You don't know if that single person is truly single, or if they're meeting someone there, or if they're part of a couple and the other half simply cannot be there. Even if you think you know, you don't really know, so be respectful.
5. Couples, don't rub the singles' noses in it. Remember what I said about Valentines Day making couples think they can act like jerks? Well it's not just the open hostility toward singles that defines couples acting like jerks. Just as annoying can be the couples who want to tell everyone the story of their relationship, and how much they love each other and retell the story of their partnering ceremony, or want to tell everyone within earshot about all their plans for their upcoming SL wedding. Seriously, for some singles that would be like holding down a childless couple and forcing them to listen to baby stories repeatedly, or making them watch the video of you giving birth for the 10th time when you know how much they've struggled to have a family. It's just wrong. Be considerate.
6. Don't set up your single friends on blind dates for Valentines Day, unless you've been asked to do so. Like I said in #4, you don't know why that single person is single, even if they are your friend in SL. That single friend may be perfectly happy to be single, and the constant push by some couples to set every last single friend up on blind dates and play matchmaker, especially on Valentines Day, has more to do with your own hangups about being alone and/or others living up to your standards of perfection (as in, 'My perfect friend would be in a relationship so I can have someone to relate to.'). Friendship means accepting what you consider limitations in others, and if you believe a limitation is not being involved with someone, so be it. God forbid you're so shallow as a couple you believe the value of a human being is based solely on whether or not someone is involved in a relationship, but before you deny that statement too quickly and point the finger at someone else, take a good long look at the four fingers pointing back at you.
7. If your single friend would rather not hang out with you doing Valentines Day activities, let them be. Some singles find all the activities of Valentines Day to be extremely depressing, especially if they're coming off a breakup (either in RL or SL). Everyone recovers in different ways and at different rates. Or maybe they simply don't want to be bothered to explain yet again when some couple asks 'why aren't you in a relationship?' If that single chooses to blow you off and go to the movies instead of to your favorite club for a Valentines Day dance, don't push them. Don't call them antisocial. Don't tell them 'I'm not going to take no for an answer'. Don't put any expectations of your friendship on the line because they say no. If they want to join you, they will join you. If they can't handle it, they can't handle it. Period.
That's all I can think of for the time being, and I hope either some of you take this advice or some of you stand up to your friends, or even some of you see your own behavior in what I've pointed out and you feel ashamed of yourselves for being colossial jerks. As for me, assuming I don't simply log off SL for a week and hide under my blankets until February 15th, I might take in a few movies or play some Zyngo or whatever.
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