Sometimes when you're trying to make a decision and you really don't know which way to go, something happens to helps make the choice clear.
I unfriended Nic and Molly, two people in SL who were close friends, last night. It started with an incident over the past couple of weeks where two people were (rightfully) banned from their sim for some potentially destructive behavior. Except last night Nic became upset because he found out Molly had actually said hello to one of them, and in trying to defend her, I admitted I'd said hello to the same person inside a public group chat. Nothing serious, just being polite, just saying hello. You'd have thought Nic was Julius Caeasr on the Ides of March. He started telling me how I wasn't being a loyal friend simply because I was being polite, and without saying it directly, he communicated to me that in order to be friends with him I was to no longer associate in any way, shape, or form with that individual. And he accused me of either sleeping with this person or wanting to sleep with them simply because I said hello and acknowledged their presence. Knowing that if he could say that to me it would lead to his ordering to remain friends that I could no longer be in any group this person was in, or attend any venue where we were both there to see a performer, I decided a line had been crossed and I took the step of unfriending someone who has been there for me for over a year. And because Molly is with Nic and it would put her in too awkward a position for me to be friends with her and not him, or to put her in the same position I was in last night, I unfriended her too.
After crying over this for a couple of hours (and I'm still crying over it as I type and post this entry), I realized this moment was necessary to help me make a major decision. When I was first terminated from a group because I associated with a rival group the first group didn't like, I told myself I would not play that game anymore, as I had already graduated from high school. When I started not living up to 'standards' placed on me by friends in SL and 'disappointing' them, I made the decision to not accept new friend requests, and then reluctantly stepped away from that when new offers were made by people who'd read my profile and reassured me I would not be treated by them that way.
So having thought about things, I have made the decision the best way to protect myself and everyone in any group that I have ever built up a friendship with in SL is to simply terminate my friends list. This way nobody can terminate friendship with another in any group I'm in simply because I'm their friend too and I'm now on someone's shitlist. And nobody will have the power to tell me that I can't go somewhere that someone else is at in order to prove my loyalty as a friend. I still intend to remain social--I will go to the same places I have always gone, I will say hello to people, I intend to remain in the groups I'm currently in. But for all intents and purposes I will become the collection of pixels I wrote about in the last entry. I will simply live alone in SL and everyone will be happy.
I will send a copy of this blog post in a notecard to everyone on my friends list today, and then later tonight or tomorrow I will start eliminating my list. Please understand that for almost all of you this is nothing personal as I terminate my SL friendship with you. It is the only way I can think of to be fair to everyone. I will talk to you if I see you in SL somewhere.
On that note, I would like to say a few personal words to a few people:
To Nic Kelberry: I am sorry you feel like I betrayed you. And in spite of the words you said to me last night, and the calling me an asshole and telling me to not let the door hit my ass on the way out in email, I am sad over losing our friendship. I'd like to think somehow we can be friends again sometime, or that somehow tonight you're going to say you're sorry and desperately want to offer friendship to me again, but I know you have difficulty with that. In spite of our ups and downs I do like you. Good luck on your presentation and I hope you pass so you can continue your masters' studies. In spite of everything I don't wish any personal harm to you, apparently unlike the two who terminated your friendship last week.
To Molly Medier: I didn't mean to hurt you by terminating friendship last night. But I know it can be too awkward to be friends with one person in a couple and not the other, or to have to explain yourself when you are caught communicating with 'the enemy' behind the significant other's back. I do love you, sweetie.
To Matthias Connolly, Evangeline Grantly, and Brittany Sixpense: You accepted me and told me I could be whomever I wanted, from the first time I ever met you. I would hope the three of you might uniquely understand why I'm doing what I'm doing right now. Give my love to Lexie and know that I am still your Maiden. And I will see you at the next gathering.
To Daedalus Lemuria: You may be my oldest friend still in SL, knowing me almost from the beginning of my time here. You are off enjoying your RL and I rarely see you anymore. It's painful to let you go, especially since you and I share an odd RL birthday and stumbled upon that fact together--the surprise we both had to find another with the same birthday was palpable. Have fun, you deserve it.
To Foxxie Fang, Zoey Starsider-Kyomoon, and Geryn Sloane: We share the care and feeding of one person and that person is a wonder. We protect him because we know his talent and his dedication, and we know how special a person he is in RL. We still have that, no matter what. Geryn, if you don't become one of the top businesses in SL, there is no justice in the world.
To Ed Kyomoon: I still believe in you, and I still believe in your talent. And in the process of caring for someone with that tremendous talent, I came to know a wonderful person. I really could've gone for you if you'd not already found the one you're supposed to be with. Finish the CD and let the outside world hear you.
There are a couple more people I will send personal notes to outside of SL.
And I guess that's it. There will be those who will not understand and be upset at me, and for that I am sad. Is this the beginning of my goodbye and leaving SL? Maybe, maybe not, I have no idea. But at least this way you can't hurt me anymore and I can't hurt you, and maybe everyone will be happier because of it. See you guys around the Grid.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Pixel Collection
Choosing what to do next is going to be difficult.
What do you do when you feel as if you're being sucked into an emotional supermassive black hole? And I mean the astronomical phenomenon where entire solar systems are drawn into its mass and cease to exist, NOT the incredibly amazing song by Muse that I think Edward Kyomoon should learn and sing in his natural low octave, thereby creating possibly the sexiest song performance ever in Second Life. Seriously, Ed, if you ever read this, give it a try--I know your voice, and you will have your poor partner Zoey literally having to break out the baseball bat.
We enter Second Life thinking we can just skim along the surface, but then we make connections. We make friends, we join groups. Sometimes we make more than just surface connections with people. I don't have the statistics, but I'd say a fair amount of Skype's 10 million-plus users are actually in SL at the time they're using Skype to communicate, as SL Voice can be a bit dodgy from sim to sim and region to region, and viewer to viewer. Plus, it allows private conversation that won't disturb the others around you as you're shopping or at a concert or dancing. It's when something in these connections go wrong that you find yourself where I am right now.
Of late I seem to do nothing but hurt others or get myself hurt in the process. What it comes down to is the temptation to think of those in SL as simply a collection of pixels, forgetting there are actual human beings behind the avatars. So you can end up blowing off someone or breaking their heart or pissing them off when you plunge a knife in the back and twist it for good measure, simply because there's a part of you looking at the pixels on the screen and when you do such things that avatar isn't going to immediately turn around and scream in pain or slap you. But the paradox is that human beings have made a connection together within SL, so when someone slashes you emotionally, it's always done in the area that cuts the deepest. And then it's just easy to turn off Skype or not employ the Voice button, not to mention logging out of SL, and you don't have to hear that individual when their tone of voice changes or they immediately want to tell you how hurt they are by what you said or did to them.
Of course once that expression of hurt happens, there are those for whom an apology simply will not do. That's when you get ejected from groups or you get unfriended immediately, or you get put on the Ignore list. And to those people you're not just attempting to apologize for the wrong you have committed, feeling remorse for your actions and truly wanting to make amends, but these people demand you apologize for simply existing within SL itself. I seem to be doing that a lot lately, too. And again, it's too easy for those who want to treat you that way to simply look at the screen and see the collection of pixels, not realizing that you're not only getting your own back to the human being who actually hurt you, now you're taking an additional pound of flesh and hurting them even more.
As of today, I have 3 and a half weeks left on my rental, and I've put myself on invisible to my friends list. I've become reluctant to talk on Skype or even in IM with others, because I need to decide what to do next. I can choose to terminate all my groups and remove everyone from my friends list, winding down my stay in SL until in my last act I give away what Lindens I currently have, go to the website, and terminate my account. I could choose the 'suicide by cop' route and do something to have myself banned from SL, though this option right now isn't the most likely, as it requires a level of energy I don't have currently, and I think my motivation for this route would have to be that I'm angry enough at Linden Labs to have a TOP OF THE WORLD, MA! moment.
Or I can choose to toughen myself up, completely divorce my RL self from the proceedings, and just let others only see me as the collection of pixels. And I will go along with whatever anyone wants to say or do to me--be one of a number, be the pleasure doll, be just another member of the audience, allow myself to be pulled in one direction or another without a word of protest. There will be no more connection, no more interaction than what is on the screen. I will become just as anonymous as the new people in SL who all have the last name 'Resident'.
It's only pixels. Right?
What do you do when you feel as if you're being sucked into an emotional supermassive black hole? And I mean the astronomical phenomenon where entire solar systems are drawn into its mass and cease to exist, NOT the incredibly amazing song by Muse that I think Edward Kyomoon should learn and sing in his natural low octave, thereby creating possibly the sexiest song performance ever in Second Life. Seriously, Ed, if you ever read this, give it a try--I know your voice, and you will have your poor partner Zoey literally having to break out the baseball bat.
We enter Second Life thinking we can just skim along the surface, but then we make connections. We make friends, we join groups. Sometimes we make more than just surface connections with people. I don't have the statistics, but I'd say a fair amount of Skype's 10 million-plus users are actually in SL at the time they're using Skype to communicate, as SL Voice can be a bit dodgy from sim to sim and region to region, and viewer to viewer. Plus, it allows private conversation that won't disturb the others around you as you're shopping or at a concert or dancing. It's when something in these connections go wrong that you find yourself where I am right now.
Of late I seem to do nothing but hurt others or get myself hurt in the process. What it comes down to is the temptation to think of those in SL as simply a collection of pixels, forgetting there are actual human beings behind the avatars. So you can end up blowing off someone or breaking their heart or pissing them off when you plunge a knife in the back and twist it for good measure, simply because there's a part of you looking at the pixels on the screen and when you do such things that avatar isn't going to immediately turn around and scream in pain or slap you. But the paradox is that human beings have made a connection together within SL, so when someone slashes you emotionally, it's always done in the area that cuts the deepest. And then it's just easy to turn off Skype or not employ the Voice button, not to mention logging out of SL, and you don't have to hear that individual when their tone of voice changes or they immediately want to tell you how hurt they are by what you said or did to them.
Of course once that expression of hurt happens, there are those for whom an apology simply will not do. That's when you get ejected from groups or you get unfriended immediately, or you get put on the Ignore list. And to those people you're not just attempting to apologize for the wrong you have committed, feeling remorse for your actions and truly wanting to make amends, but these people demand you apologize for simply existing within SL itself. I seem to be doing that a lot lately, too. And again, it's too easy for those who want to treat you that way to simply look at the screen and see the collection of pixels, not realizing that you're not only getting your own back to the human being who actually hurt you, now you're taking an additional pound of flesh and hurting them even more.
As of today, I have 3 and a half weeks left on my rental, and I've put myself on invisible to my friends list. I've become reluctant to talk on Skype or even in IM with others, because I need to decide what to do next. I can choose to terminate all my groups and remove everyone from my friends list, winding down my stay in SL until in my last act I give away what Lindens I currently have, go to the website, and terminate my account. I could choose the 'suicide by cop' route and do something to have myself banned from SL, though this option right now isn't the most likely, as it requires a level of energy I don't have currently, and I think my motivation for this route would have to be that I'm angry enough at Linden Labs to have a TOP OF THE WORLD, MA! moment.
Or I can choose to toughen myself up, completely divorce my RL self from the proceedings, and just let others only see me as the collection of pixels. And I will go along with whatever anyone wants to say or do to me--be one of a number, be the pleasure doll, be just another member of the audience, allow myself to be pulled in one direction or another without a word of protest. There will be no more connection, no more interaction than what is on the screen. I will become just as anonymous as the new people in SL who all have the last name 'Resident'.
It's only pixels. Right?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Creativity and Originality
This past weekend, I actually spent a day and a half away from Second Life.
(pause)
Now that some of you have actually scraped your jaws off the floor...
I was creating a fan video to post on YouTube. I got my picutres all laid out, I got the music, I worked. I was so happy to be doing something boldly original, telling the story I wanted to tell, and of course nobody had thought of using this music for this subject before. I got it togther and I posted it. Only to realize after my puny little attempt was made that there were several videos of this particular subject, and using this particular piece of music. Use a piece of music by Corelli in your video you might be thought of as slightly original. Coldplay? No.
Object Lesson: Just when you think you're being creative and original, remember someone else has probably created the same thing. And they may have done it better.
Creators in Second Life have the same problem, and remember, your existence Inworld--your interactions, your fashion, your living space, etc.--are all an act of continuous creation. Our lives within the Grid bend and shape everything that exists within it. But...someone else has worn the same clothes as you, someone has thought of that texture for a skirt, someone has designed your couch the same way, someone has placed that mountain in the exact same spot you have, and put the palm tree and the Tiki hut in the exact same spot. And yes, they've probably even had Godzilla come out of the ocean and stomp that Tiki hut and the palm tree to pieces just like you. Everything's been done.
But does that mean you shouldn't do it? No. You are being creative and original for you. You wear the clothes you wear--either in RL or SL--becuase they reflect who you are or who you want to be. It's the same thing if someone paints a picture or writes a song or puts a Tiki hut and a palm tree next to a mountain and then has Godzilla go Medieval on it. Before you put the hut and the palm tree next to each other at the foot of the mountain, you had only envisioned it. Or you put it together at random and liked it. But until the moment you either saw it or did it, you probably cannot remember seeing it before. And Godzilla is simply a grace note in your grand design. It might also be an indicator you may need to see someone regarding your anger issues, but I digress. And who am I to judge? You're being creative and original for you. So don't worry if someone sees you doing something in SL and says 'oh, I've seen that before, how unoriginal'. Go ahead and do it.
And if you somehow manage to come up with something that really is creative and original, and you make a load of money from it, I'd like a cut for encouraging you.
(pause)
Now that some of you have actually scraped your jaws off the floor...
I was creating a fan video to post on YouTube. I got my picutres all laid out, I got the music, I worked. I was so happy to be doing something boldly original, telling the story I wanted to tell, and of course nobody had thought of using this music for this subject before. I got it togther and I posted it. Only to realize after my puny little attempt was made that there were several videos of this particular subject, and using this particular piece of music. Use a piece of music by Corelli in your video you might be thought of as slightly original. Coldplay? No.
Object Lesson: Just when you think you're being creative and original, remember someone else has probably created the same thing. And they may have done it better.
Creators in Second Life have the same problem, and remember, your existence Inworld--your interactions, your fashion, your living space, etc.--are all an act of continuous creation. Our lives within the Grid bend and shape everything that exists within it. But...someone else has worn the same clothes as you, someone has thought of that texture for a skirt, someone has designed your couch the same way, someone has placed that mountain in the exact same spot you have, and put the palm tree and the Tiki hut in the exact same spot. And yes, they've probably even had Godzilla come out of the ocean and stomp that Tiki hut and the palm tree to pieces just like you. Everything's been done.
But does that mean you shouldn't do it? No. You are being creative and original for you. You wear the clothes you wear--either in RL or SL--becuase they reflect who you are or who you want to be. It's the same thing if someone paints a picture or writes a song or puts a Tiki hut and a palm tree next to a mountain and then has Godzilla go Medieval on it. Before you put the hut and the palm tree next to each other at the foot of the mountain, you had only envisioned it. Or you put it together at random and liked it. But until the moment you either saw it or did it, you probably cannot remember seeing it before. And Godzilla is simply a grace note in your grand design. It might also be an indicator you may need to see someone regarding your anger issues, but I digress. And who am I to judge? You're being creative and original for you. So don't worry if someone sees you doing something in SL and says 'oh, I've seen that before, how unoriginal'. Go ahead and do it.
And if you somehow manage to come up with something that really is creative and original, and you make a load of money from it, I'd like a cut for encouraging you.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Some Words of Advice for Valentines Day Couples, on Behalf of Singles
This first statement usually causes a very dramatic reaction from the people whom I have mentioned it to, and I'm sure if you're reading you're going to have a similar reaction, but here goes:
I hate Valentines Day.
I didn't always hate it, as a child I liked getting the cards and candy and cute little presents. But that changed and now I hate it. And believe it or not, it has to do with the people who celebrate it. Over the years I have had friends who were couples who, during any other time of the year, seem perfectly normal and friendly and sane. And yet Valentines Day seemingly gives these normal, friendly, sane people the excuse to act like insufferable jerks toward anyone else who isn't involved in a relationship or who suddenly finds themselves alone in mid-February.Worse, all of our social institutions seemingly play into this 'open season on singles' attitude, and Second Life is no different. In fact, the environment of the Virtual World like SL, which tends to intensify behaviors not normally allowed in our Real Life, would be the perfect breeding ground for this.
As futile as an attempt as this will be, as a single person in SL I would like to offer some pieces of advice to make this time smoother and more welcoming:
1. Valentines Day is February 14th, not February 7th-14th. It's one thing if you own a store in SL where you are selling dresses and lingerie; a week before the holiday in question--if not more--is the way you make money. I'm directing this point toward the SL nightclubs and event planners in particular who may see every opporutnity to have 'pre-Valentine' dances and 'Romance Balls' almost to the exclusion of everything else. And not nightclubs who may have one event a week, I'm talking in particular about the larger clubs who seemingly have events every night. I know the clubs need to make money too, but why do you have to have a Valentines party the Tuesday before Valentines Day, instead of the weekend before or on the 14th itself?
2. Please be inclusive. One of the most offensive statements ever given to me by 'couple friends' was made when I lamented a particular Valentines Day event in RL where I felt out of place because I was the only single person there, and that the guests or even the host of the event didn't appear to go out of their way to help me feel welcome. Their reply--actually stated without any particular degree of malice--was, 'Well, that's because Valentines Day is for couples, not singles.' Unfortunately that statement has also been mentioned toward me by people who said it with every bit of malice they can muster, as my single-ness in their presence on Valentines Day at a party or event or whatever was like a turd in the punchbowl to them. I'm not asking the nightclubs or event planners to ban Romance Balls or anything of that sort. But I would ask the clubs and the hosts in particular to make sure any single attendees are treated with respect and are just as welcome as the couples to your event. Hosts, please circulate through your clubs during your event and make sure your single attendees are allowed to mingle, not being made to stand off to the side like a bunch of wallflowers (I attended a Romance Ball in SL a few months ago where I ended up against the wall with the other singles--all female, and we all sat there feeling bored and dejected and wondering what was wrong with us). And--dare I say it?--while again I know people have to earn a living, if singles are going to be forced to pay for dances with club staff so they don't have to be wallflowers, it's potentially offensive if they're the only ones who have to pay. Why not recreate the scene in 'Gone with the Wind' where for certain dances in your event, the couples have to bid to dance with the 'one who brung 'em'? It would equalize the playing field and make more money for the club.
3. SL musicians and DJ's, please see #2. Okay, okay, most songs are love songs. Musicians and DJ's get requests and are asked to make dedications at any time. I get that, normally I don't have a problem with it. But just as I asked the hosts in #2 of the events and dances to please show some respect to singles, I'm asking the musicians and DJ's to do the same. For various reasons, people who are single and/or alone on Valentines Day often feel self-conscious of being an overwhelming minority in a sim of 30-40 couples. Take their requests as you normally would on any other day--please don't say to them, 'Couples requests are a priority today, we'll get around to your request after the couples' requests are done', and if a single requests a non-love song, a song you would normally play on any other day, please don't tell them, 'I'm only playing love songs today because it's Valentines Day' unless you've already announced your show is a theme show. As for dedications, just keep in mind that on Valentines Day everyone wants to dedicate a song, 'to the one I love', and if you're not careful, you'll spend over 30 minutes of your hour-long show making dedications instead of playing music.
4. Don't judge. You don't know why the person who walks into any place in SL on Valentines Day is there. You don't know why they're alone. You don't know why they're with a group. You don't know if that single person is truly single, or if they're meeting someone there, or if they're part of a couple and the other half simply cannot be there. Even if you think you know, you don't really know, so be respectful.
5. Couples, don't rub the singles' noses in it. Remember what I said about Valentines Day making couples think they can act like jerks? Well it's not just the open hostility toward singles that defines couples acting like jerks. Just as annoying can be the couples who want to tell everyone the story of their relationship, and how much they love each other and retell the story of their partnering ceremony, or want to tell everyone within earshot about all their plans for their upcoming SL wedding. Seriously, for some singles that would be like holding down a childless couple and forcing them to listen to baby stories repeatedly, or making them watch the video of you giving birth for the 10th time when you know how much they've struggled to have a family. It's just wrong. Be considerate.
6. Don't set up your single friends on blind dates for Valentines Day, unless you've been asked to do so. Like I said in #4, you don't know why that single person is single, even if they are your friend in SL. That single friend may be perfectly happy to be single, and the constant push by some couples to set every last single friend up on blind dates and play matchmaker, especially on Valentines Day, has more to do with your own hangups about being alone and/or others living up to your standards of perfection (as in, 'My perfect friend would be in a relationship so I can have someone to relate to.'). Friendship means accepting what you consider limitations in others, and if you believe a limitation is not being involved with someone, so be it. God forbid you're so shallow as a couple you believe the value of a human being is based solely on whether or not someone is involved in a relationship, but before you deny that statement too quickly and point the finger at someone else, take a good long look at the four fingers pointing back at you.
7. If your single friend would rather not hang out with you doing Valentines Day activities, let them be. Some singles find all the activities of Valentines Day to be extremely depressing, especially if they're coming off a breakup (either in RL or SL). Everyone recovers in different ways and at different rates. Or maybe they simply don't want to be bothered to explain yet again when some couple asks 'why aren't you in a relationship?' If that single chooses to blow you off and go to the movies instead of to your favorite club for a Valentines Day dance, don't push them. Don't call them antisocial. Don't tell them 'I'm not going to take no for an answer'. Don't put any expectations of your friendship on the line because they say no. If they want to join you, they will join you. If they can't handle it, they can't handle it. Period.
That's all I can think of for the time being, and I hope either some of you take this advice or some of you stand up to your friends, or even some of you see your own behavior in what I've pointed out and you feel ashamed of yourselves for being colossial jerks. As for me, assuming I don't simply log off SL for a week and hide under my blankets until February 15th, I might take in a few movies or play some Zyngo or whatever.
I hate Valentines Day.
I didn't always hate it, as a child I liked getting the cards and candy and cute little presents. But that changed and now I hate it. And believe it or not, it has to do with the people who celebrate it. Over the years I have had friends who were couples who, during any other time of the year, seem perfectly normal and friendly and sane. And yet Valentines Day seemingly gives these normal, friendly, sane people the excuse to act like insufferable jerks toward anyone else who isn't involved in a relationship or who suddenly finds themselves alone in mid-February.Worse, all of our social institutions seemingly play into this 'open season on singles' attitude, and Second Life is no different. In fact, the environment of the Virtual World like SL, which tends to intensify behaviors not normally allowed in our Real Life, would be the perfect breeding ground for this.
As futile as an attempt as this will be, as a single person in SL I would like to offer some pieces of advice to make this time smoother and more welcoming:
1. Valentines Day is February 14th, not February 7th-14th. It's one thing if you own a store in SL where you are selling dresses and lingerie; a week before the holiday in question--if not more--is the way you make money. I'm directing this point toward the SL nightclubs and event planners in particular who may see every opporutnity to have 'pre-Valentine' dances and 'Romance Balls' almost to the exclusion of everything else. And not nightclubs who may have one event a week, I'm talking in particular about the larger clubs who seemingly have events every night. I know the clubs need to make money too, but why do you have to have a Valentines party the Tuesday before Valentines Day, instead of the weekend before or on the 14th itself?
2. Please be inclusive. One of the most offensive statements ever given to me by 'couple friends' was made when I lamented a particular Valentines Day event in RL where I felt out of place because I was the only single person there, and that the guests or even the host of the event didn't appear to go out of their way to help me feel welcome. Their reply--actually stated without any particular degree of malice--was, 'Well, that's because Valentines Day is for couples, not singles.' Unfortunately that statement has also been mentioned toward me by people who said it with every bit of malice they can muster, as my single-ness in their presence on Valentines Day at a party or event or whatever was like a turd in the punchbowl to them. I'm not asking the nightclubs or event planners to ban Romance Balls or anything of that sort. But I would ask the clubs and the hosts in particular to make sure any single attendees are treated with respect and are just as welcome as the couples to your event. Hosts, please circulate through your clubs during your event and make sure your single attendees are allowed to mingle, not being made to stand off to the side like a bunch of wallflowers (I attended a Romance Ball in SL a few months ago where I ended up against the wall with the other singles--all female, and we all sat there feeling bored and dejected and wondering what was wrong with us). And--dare I say it?--while again I know people have to earn a living, if singles are going to be forced to pay for dances with club staff so they don't have to be wallflowers, it's potentially offensive if they're the only ones who have to pay. Why not recreate the scene in 'Gone with the Wind' where for certain dances in your event, the couples have to bid to dance with the 'one who brung 'em'? It would equalize the playing field and make more money for the club.
3. SL musicians and DJ's, please see #2. Okay, okay, most songs are love songs. Musicians and DJ's get requests and are asked to make dedications at any time. I get that, normally I don't have a problem with it. But just as I asked the hosts in #2 of the events and dances to please show some respect to singles, I'm asking the musicians and DJ's to do the same. For various reasons, people who are single and/or alone on Valentines Day often feel self-conscious of being an overwhelming minority in a sim of 30-40 couples. Take their requests as you normally would on any other day--please don't say to them, 'Couples requests are a priority today, we'll get around to your request after the couples' requests are done', and if a single requests a non-love song, a song you would normally play on any other day, please don't tell them, 'I'm only playing love songs today because it's Valentines Day' unless you've already announced your show is a theme show. As for dedications, just keep in mind that on Valentines Day everyone wants to dedicate a song, 'to the one I love', and if you're not careful, you'll spend over 30 minutes of your hour-long show making dedications instead of playing music.
4. Don't judge. You don't know why the person who walks into any place in SL on Valentines Day is there. You don't know why they're alone. You don't know why they're with a group. You don't know if that single person is truly single, or if they're meeting someone there, or if they're part of a couple and the other half simply cannot be there. Even if you think you know, you don't really know, so be respectful.
5. Couples, don't rub the singles' noses in it. Remember what I said about Valentines Day making couples think they can act like jerks? Well it's not just the open hostility toward singles that defines couples acting like jerks. Just as annoying can be the couples who want to tell everyone the story of their relationship, and how much they love each other and retell the story of their partnering ceremony, or want to tell everyone within earshot about all their plans for their upcoming SL wedding. Seriously, for some singles that would be like holding down a childless couple and forcing them to listen to baby stories repeatedly, or making them watch the video of you giving birth for the 10th time when you know how much they've struggled to have a family. It's just wrong. Be considerate.
6. Don't set up your single friends on blind dates for Valentines Day, unless you've been asked to do so. Like I said in #4, you don't know why that single person is single, even if they are your friend in SL. That single friend may be perfectly happy to be single, and the constant push by some couples to set every last single friend up on blind dates and play matchmaker, especially on Valentines Day, has more to do with your own hangups about being alone and/or others living up to your standards of perfection (as in, 'My perfect friend would be in a relationship so I can have someone to relate to.'). Friendship means accepting what you consider limitations in others, and if you believe a limitation is not being involved with someone, so be it. God forbid you're so shallow as a couple you believe the value of a human being is based solely on whether or not someone is involved in a relationship, but before you deny that statement too quickly and point the finger at someone else, take a good long look at the four fingers pointing back at you.
7. If your single friend would rather not hang out with you doing Valentines Day activities, let them be. Some singles find all the activities of Valentines Day to be extremely depressing, especially if they're coming off a breakup (either in RL or SL). Everyone recovers in different ways and at different rates. Or maybe they simply don't want to be bothered to explain yet again when some couple asks 'why aren't you in a relationship?' If that single chooses to blow you off and go to the movies instead of to your favorite club for a Valentines Day dance, don't push them. Don't call them antisocial. Don't tell them 'I'm not going to take no for an answer'. Don't put any expectations of your friendship on the line because they say no. If they want to join you, they will join you. If they can't handle it, they can't handle it. Period.
That's all I can think of for the time being, and I hope either some of you take this advice or some of you stand up to your friends, or even some of you see your own behavior in what I've pointed out and you feel ashamed of yourselves for being colossial jerks. As for me, assuming I don't simply log off SL for a week and hide under my blankets until February 15th, I might take in a few movies or play some Zyngo or whatever.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Unfriending
John Smith has terminated friendship. I had just logged on a few days ago when that window popped up in the lower right corner of my screen. It was a poignant moment: this was my first relationship in SL. It was a casual relationship--he was a younger guy, though definitely age-verified, who wanted to learn from an 'experienced' older woman. Things had started to take a different turn when he suggested maybe he wanted to explore something more with me than just the cilched younger man-older woman thing. It was a prospect worth considering. Then something happened and I was away from SL for five months. When I came back things weren't really the same, and then we just lost touch and I found someone else who I am very happy with now. I am sure either he was doing some simple pruning of his friends list, eliminating those he hasn't had contact with in awhile, or he has found someone who is making him happy and no longer needs to have me on his list and therefore not a potential problem later. Regardless of the reasons I do hope he is happy and if he is somehow reading this blog, I will tell him no hard feelings and if I somehow run into him somewhere else in SL I'll just say hi.
I do an occasional pruning of my friends list. There are people on my list that I have spoken to maybe once, or simply have lost touch with them and haven't heard from in a long time. There are some I feel reluctant to remove in the hopes that circumstances will change and somehow we end up connecting again. These are people either I could have a professional relationship with in SL, or just fascinating people altogether. The ones I end up removing are simply done as a convenience gesture, a way to keep it from taking 5 minutes to load my list in Second Life. I think most people in SL practice this gesture and it's done without animosity or drama or any personal reason whatsoever.
The act of 'unfriending' someone is a whole other kettle of fish.
As I write this I have had exactly 2 hours of sleep. I was up until 4:30 this morning dealing with what I can best describe as 'high school drama'. It stems from what's looking like a very nasty breakup with two people, where last night I was bombarded from all sides with people trying to make me take one side or the other. I was receiving bits of chat logs where I was supposed to sympathize, and other peripheral 'friends' who were supposedly invited to a concert the couple was attending and replied, 'Well if so-and-so is going to be there, I won't be there.' and all that. After hours of this bombardment and an entire circle of people doing nothing but ruining my time, I forced a meeting with all of them together where I was going to say to everyone involved that I wasn't going to play the high school game of attending a concert or a party and wanting to TP my friends in and be told 'well if so-and-so is going to be there I won't be', or acting silly because both members of the couple in question are present. I wasn't going to take sides in the breakup, and quite frankly I felt like I was playing camp counselor at a lunatic asylum. What it devolved into was the couple at the heart of the matter pushing each others buttons and yelling and screaming. I was told I was inconveniencing people and creating drama.
I'm creating drama? I'm not the one acting like a bitchy 14-year-old. And I graduated from high school already.
Up until recently I have never threatened to 'unfriend' someone for their behavior. I don't like it when someone gets into a snit on a discussion board or a fansite or Twitter and makes a bold announcement of 'That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back!' just to get the attention. If you're going to say something like that, you better damn well mean it. You don't get to say it around me more than once, because if you're still there after you make that pronouncement and then you end up saying it again, I'm the first to tell that person to not let the door hit them on the way out. Same thing for people who threaten to leave SL entirely because they get into some disagreement with someone else. The Grid is big enough and has enough activities in it so you don't have to be around people you're on the outs with if you really don't want to be around them.
Same thing for the 'unfriend' button. The Grid is too big with too many activities in it. But if someone's behavior becomes truly dangerous, or they insist on making things so unpleasant for you that your enjoyment of SL is going to be ruined simply by logging on, I think it crosses the line. I have yet to decide if I'm going to 'unfriend' any of these people. But I also have yet to decide that I'm not, either.
Just a bit of fair warning to a bunch of bitchy 14-year-olds.
I do an occasional pruning of my friends list. There are people on my list that I have spoken to maybe once, or simply have lost touch with them and haven't heard from in a long time. There are some I feel reluctant to remove in the hopes that circumstances will change and somehow we end up connecting again. These are people either I could have a professional relationship with in SL, or just fascinating people altogether. The ones I end up removing are simply done as a convenience gesture, a way to keep it from taking 5 minutes to load my list in Second Life. I think most people in SL practice this gesture and it's done without animosity or drama or any personal reason whatsoever.
The act of 'unfriending' someone is a whole other kettle of fish.
As I write this I have had exactly 2 hours of sleep. I was up until 4:30 this morning dealing with what I can best describe as 'high school drama'. It stems from what's looking like a very nasty breakup with two people, where last night I was bombarded from all sides with people trying to make me take one side or the other. I was receiving bits of chat logs where I was supposed to sympathize, and other peripheral 'friends' who were supposedly invited to a concert the couple was attending and replied, 'Well if so-and-so is going to be there, I won't be there.' and all that. After hours of this bombardment and an entire circle of people doing nothing but ruining my time, I forced a meeting with all of them together where I was going to say to everyone involved that I wasn't going to play the high school game of attending a concert or a party and wanting to TP my friends in and be told 'well if so-and-so is going to be there I won't be', or acting silly because both members of the couple in question are present. I wasn't going to take sides in the breakup, and quite frankly I felt like I was playing camp counselor at a lunatic asylum. What it devolved into was the couple at the heart of the matter pushing each others buttons and yelling and screaming. I was told I was inconveniencing people and creating drama.
I'm creating drama? I'm not the one acting like a bitchy 14-year-old. And I graduated from high school already.
Up until recently I have never threatened to 'unfriend' someone for their behavior. I don't like it when someone gets into a snit on a discussion board or a fansite or Twitter and makes a bold announcement of 'That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back!' just to get the attention. If you're going to say something like that, you better damn well mean it. You don't get to say it around me more than once, because if you're still there after you make that pronouncement and then you end up saying it again, I'm the first to tell that person to not let the door hit them on the way out. Same thing for people who threaten to leave SL entirely because they get into some disagreement with someone else. The Grid is big enough and has enough activities in it so you don't have to be around people you're on the outs with if you really don't want to be around them.
Same thing for the 'unfriend' button. The Grid is too big with too many activities in it. But if someone's behavior becomes truly dangerous, or they insist on making things so unpleasant for you that your enjoyment of SL is going to be ruined simply by logging on, I think it crosses the line. I have yet to decide if I'm going to 'unfriend' any of these people. But I also have yet to decide that I'm not, either.
Just a bit of fair warning to a bunch of bitchy 14-year-olds.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
SL Love and Personal Baggage
My friends Nic and Molly just got married. For those non-SL people who might have found this blog by accident and only have heard the stories on sleazy TV shows about people who abandon RL families for those they meet in SL, I can tell you in this case it's not true; in RL both are content to be with each other only in the virtual world.
Second Life marriages are very different than in Real Life. You don't have to have licenses or blood tests, you don't have to have premarital counseling (though you can if you want), and if it doesn't work out--or you both sober up the next morning and realize you did something really stupid last night--you don't have to deal with all the RL paperwork and legalese that comes with divorce. Make no mistake, though--SL relationships can be every bit as complicatred as RL ones, because we carry our RL baggage about relationships into the virutal world.
I have a guy in SL, someone I met via Molly (she denies playing matchmaker, but I note that he was her friend, she kept telling me how much of a great guy he was, and she knew we were both single. Do the math.). He is indeed a great guy and we get along quite well in the ways you'd expect in any relationship--we have spoken to each other in Yahoo and Skype and have found we think alike on many subjects and even have the same sense of humor. But I struggle with myself every single day, because of my RL history in the romance department. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, because in RL that shoe has dropped whenever I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to be happy. There's a 3-letter word that keeps popping up with me:
BUT
As in, "I like you very much, BUT..." or "I know I said I love you, BUT..." or "You'd be perfect for anyone, BUT..." once the word 'but' is uttered in a phrase that starts off with a compliment, I start looking for the exit. I know what comes next.
I've also learned in RL how to interpret sentences. "It's not you, it's me" is always about you, as in me, as in it's my defect or my fault or I'm simply not good enough. "I want a woman who's intelligent and isn't afraid to be herself" is really "I want you to be my buddy and be the shoulder I can cry on while I pursue a 20-year-old bimbette with 40 DD breasts and an IQ of 4 who can't even spell the word 'no' to refuse sex if you spotted her the 'n'." "I'd like to still be friends" is "You're not good enough to be in a relationship with, God forbid marry, but you'll do for a Booty Call in a pinch." And either "My ex is still friends with my parents" or "I'm still friends with my ex" or variations of those two statements is always translated to, "Let me have my way at all times and be only who I want you to be at all times, or understand you can be easily replaced."
Then there's a phase that I think might be genetically encoded, because I've had it given to me by people who never knew their mother, never knew their father, was raised entierly by grandparents or even adopted: "I'm afraid you want more than I'm prepared to give." This phrase is insurmountable, and I know it is because I've tried. The best illustration of it comes from the movie "Tootsie", where Dustin Hoffman's character is auditioning for a play, the director keeps saying "I'm looking for this..." and lists something Hoffman's character isn't, and after Hoffman counters him and says he can be whoever the director wants him to be, the exasperated director finally blurts out, "I"m looking for someone else." "You want more than I'm prepared to give" is the long-form version of "I don't want you." It's also my personal Cosmic Cruelty Joke. I never seem to hear this phrase until I allow myself to be happy and I tell someone how happy I am in a relationship. and the bomb gets dropped with all the timing of Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown as he's about to kick it.
So I sit in SL with someone I truly like and want to be with, and now I've admitted this I know I'm doomed. So why don't I just go ahead and tell him I'm going to end this because I know it's going to end anyway and I'm saving myself some pain?" Because down deep inside I still want to believe I'm not destined to always be a wallflower and a third wheel druing outings. And this is Second Life, where you get a chance to be something you're not in Real Life. And there's part of me thinking if I manage to keep that special person in SL, there's hope for me in RL. For every Molly there's a Nic, right?
I don't want to think of the consequences if that's not true.
Second Life marriages are very different than in Real Life. You don't have to have licenses or blood tests, you don't have to have premarital counseling (though you can if you want), and if it doesn't work out--or you both sober up the next morning and realize you did something really stupid last night--you don't have to deal with all the RL paperwork and legalese that comes with divorce. Make no mistake, though--SL relationships can be every bit as complicatred as RL ones, because we carry our RL baggage about relationships into the virutal world.
I have a guy in SL, someone I met via Molly (she denies playing matchmaker, but I note that he was her friend, she kept telling me how much of a great guy he was, and she knew we were both single. Do the math.). He is indeed a great guy and we get along quite well in the ways you'd expect in any relationship--we have spoken to each other in Yahoo and Skype and have found we think alike on many subjects and even have the same sense of humor. But I struggle with myself every single day, because of my RL history in the romance department. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, because in RL that shoe has dropped whenever I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to be happy. There's a 3-letter word that keeps popping up with me:
BUT
As in, "I like you very much, BUT..." or "I know I said I love you, BUT..." or "You'd be perfect for anyone, BUT..." once the word 'but' is uttered in a phrase that starts off with a compliment, I start looking for the exit. I know what comes next.
I've also learned in RL how to interpret sentences. "It's not you, it's me" is always about you, as in me, as in it's my defect or my fault or I'm simply not good enough. "I want a woman who's intelligent and isn't afraid to be herself" is really "I want you to be my buddy and be the shoulder I can cry on while I pursue a 20-year-old bimbette with 40 DD breasts and an IQ of 4 who can't even spell the word 'no' to refuse sex if you spotted her the 'n'." "I'd like to still be friends" is "You're not good enough to be in a relationship with, God forbid marry, but you'll do for a Booty Call in a pinch." And either "My ex is still friends with my parents" or "I'm still friends with my ex" or variations of those two statements is always translated to, "Let me have my way at all times and be only who I want you to be at all times, or understand you can be easily replaced."
Then there's a phase that I think might be genetically encoded, because I've had it given to me by people who never knew their mother, never knew their father, was raised entierly by grandparents or even adopted: "I'm afraid you want more than I'm prepared to give." This phrase is insurmountable, and I know it is because I've tried. The best illustration of it comes from the movie "Tootsie", where Dustin Hoffman's character is auditioning for a play, the director keeps saying "I'm looking for this..." and lists something Hoffman's character isn't, and after Hoffman counters him and says he can be whoever the director wants him to be, the exasperated director finally blurts out, "I"m looking for someone else." "You want more than I'm prepared to give" is the long-form version of "I don't want you." It's also my personal Cosmic Cruelty Joke. I never seem to hear this phrase until I allow myself to be happy and I tell someone how happy I am in a relationship. and the bomb gets dropped with all the timing of Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown as he's about to kick it.
So I sit in SL with someone I truly like and want to be with, and now I've admitted this I know I'm doomed. So why don't I just go ahead and tell him I'm going to end this because I know it's going to end anyway and I'm saving myself some pain?" Because down deep inside I still want to believe I'm not destined to always be a wallflower and a third wheel druing outings. And this is Second Life, where you get a chance to be something you're not in Real Life. And there's part of me thinking if I manage to keep that special person in SL, there's hope for me in RL. For every Molly there's a Nic, right?
I don't want to think of the consequences if that's not true.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The film 'Inception' and SL: We Are All Artists
For anyone reading this blog, if you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend the movie Inception, starring Leonardo Decaprio. It's a film where the creators assume the audience is intelligent and requires the audience take a few points as givens--that high-powered business leaders have secrets that others are willing to do anything to get, that these corporations are willing to hire individuals, called 'extractors', who can invade your dreams and steal your secrets, and that these same high-powered business leaders will spend serious amounts of money to be trained in how to spot extractors and defend themselves in the dream world. For those of us who are Residents of Second Life, it also has some deeper meanings than I think it would for those who've never heard of our little garden spot in the Metaverse.
In the story, Decaprio is an extractor, but instead of being hired to steal an idea, he has actually been hired to plant one, and to do it so deeply in the mind of the person he must think of it as his own idea. To achieve this goal, extractors have to have a world created that is mutually shared in the dream world between the extractor, the extraction team, and their target. This creator is called an 'architect', and Leo's architect is a young college student named Ariadne. While she exceeds expectations in her initial tryout, she refuses to take part at first. But then she reconsiders and decides to join the team, because, as she says, "It's pure creation."
(as a quick note, I don't feel it's necessary to place a SPOILER ALERT!! warning, because this decision happens so early in the movie that if Ariadne had actually refused, Christopher Nolan would be looking at a sure-fire Oscar nominee for Best Live Action Short Film instead of a sure-fire Oscar nominee for Best Picture, not to mention Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, Best Actor, etc., etc. etc. But I digress.)
Ariadne's statement to me is the very core of the reason I know I love Second Life. It is the very idea that anything is possible in our own minds, and we are limited only by our imagination. Never mind the very pesky and bothersome limits such as lag, prims, and tier fees, not to mention possessing the actual talent and ability to terraform and script and build. If you can dream it, you can make it.
Frankly, I'm in complete awe of any Resident in Second Life who can build and create places. I am not one of them. I may be the only SL Resident to flunk the basic building class. I couldn't even grasp the basic concept of building a snowman. So I am left to simply admire the creativity of others in that area. However, SL is full of other forms of creators--from musicians to sculptors to clothing designers, and it takes every bit the creativity to make a skirt using a water texture print as it is to create a waterfall using the same water texture. Some of us see a tree and make it, while some of us see the same tree and write a song about it. Some see the leaves on the tree and think the pattern would look good on a pair of shoes. Some of us buy the tree, and/or the shoes, and place it in our skybox, or tell our friends where they can buy such a cool pair of shoes to wear themselves.
Maybe that is what is the most mind-blowing concept to Second Life--that creation of a Metaverse comes through the very act of existence within it. Pure Creation, as Ariadne would say.
In the story, Decaprio is an extractor, but instead of being hired to steal an idea, he has actually been hired to plant one, and to do it so deeply in the mind of the person he must think of it as his own idea. To achieve this goal, extractors have to have a world created that is mutually shared in the dream world between the extractor, the extraction team, and their target. This creator is called an 'architect', and Leo's architect is a young college student named Ariadne. While she exceeds expectations in her initial tryout, she refuses to take part at first. But then she reconsiders and decides to join the team, because, as she says, "It's pure creation."
(as a quick note, I don't feel it's necessary to place a SPOILER ALERT!! warning, because this decision happens so early in the movie that if Ariadne had actually refused, Christopher Nolan would be looking at a sure-fire Oscar nominee for Best Live Action Short Film instead of a sure-fire Oscar nominee for Best Picture, not to mention Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, Best Actor, etc., etc. etc. But I digress.)
Ariadne's statement to me is the very core of the reason I know I love Second Life. It is the very idea that anything is possible in our own minds, and we are limited only by our imagination. Never mind the very pesky and bothersome limits such as lag, prims, and tier fees, not to mention possessing the actual talent and ability to terraform and script and build. If you can dream it, you can make it.
Frankly, I'm in complete awe of any Resident in Second Life who can build and create places. I am not one of them. I may be the only SL Resident to flunk the basic building class. I couldn't even grasp the basic concept of building a snowman. So I am left to simply admire the creativity of others in that area. However, SL is full of other forms of creators--from musicians to sculptors to clothing designers, and it takes every bit the creativity to make a skirt using a water texture print as it is to create a waterfall using the same water texture. Some of us see a tree and make it, while some of us see the same tree and write a song about it. Some see the leaves on the tree and think the pattern would look good on a pair of shoes. Some of us buy the tree, and/or the shoes, and place it in our skybox, or tell our friends where they can buy such a cool pair of shoes to wear themselves.
Maybe that is what is the most mind-blowing concept to Second Life--that creation of a Metaverse comes through the very act of existence within it. Pure Creation, as Ariadne would say.
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